I can’t even remember the last time I posted, if I’m honest, I just know that it was a while ago. To be honest, I completely forgot I had a blog as I’ve been so busy recently and I’ll tell you why exactly. With that, this post has been really difficult for me to admit for what I’m going through.

In January (I can’t remember exactly when in the month, I just know it was January), I got a job in sales and marketing, where I represent clients and find if customers want to change their energy supplier to the clients. (I’m not going to actually name the clients, as I’m not sure if I can or not.) Just to give you an ideam I’m one of those people in streets and outside supermarkets, stopping people and asking them about their energy consumption.

When I first found out about the job, I was thrilled as I didn’t have to work as a support worker anymore and I thought it would help me get back on my feet, I can move out and save up to move to Australia. But no matter what people at my new job told me, nor how much they trained me to what the job is actually like when we could do this (we were allowed to come into the office after the lockdown had been lifted some more), it was still quite a shock, as I think I built it up my head of what it would be like, compared to what it was actually going to be like.

From this, I started in the office first to do a bit of training (just over a month ago), and the only person I ‘knew’ was the guy who interviewed me, hired me and is currently my leader (superviser), and I didn’t know anyone else properly. So being nervous was an understatement, and I felt exactly the same when I was going into the field.

I’ve now been in the field for almost three weeks now (I think, can’t exactly remember), and it has been very difficult. I’ve been trying to keep positive, but when I get told no by someone, it’s very hard not to take it personally. What’ve I’ve also noticed is that I’m trying to prove people wrong by the fact that I am able to do this, which is really affecting the work I was hired to do. I also feel like I’m disappointing myself, the company I work for now, but mainly my leader, as he was the one who hired me, as I’m not getting the numbers that is needed for me to do the job. I know they believe in me, and I know that I can do it, it’s just been really difficult for me as I think I had such high expectations for it, but it is a lot harder than I thought, no matter how many people told me about what it was like.

I’ve been trying to focus on my goal on moving out and getting a place of my own, as well as moving to Australia, but it’s just one big struggle at the moment, as I feel like I’m still getting used to this job, and I don’t want to let my leader or myself down by quitting in a short period of time. It’s just hard when I know I can do better, but I’m still struggling with it all. I’ve told my leader what’s been going on, and although I can’t remember exactly what he said, it felt like he was dismissing my feelings like everyone else has in the past, even though that’s probably not what he meant.

I completely understand that others have it worse than I do, and my situation could also be a lot worse than it is, but this I felt like I needed to get this out so that I can do my job better than the past few weeks, and it’s not bottled in. I know I should probably tell someone, but with writing it down, I can fully process and think about my feelings towards the situation logically, as well as understanding what I need to do to improve myself in my work, because I am so lucky that I found a job during the pandemic and that I am eternally grateful that I was offered the position. It’s going to take a lot of hard work, but as long as it gets me to Australia in the end, that’s all that matters.

Anyway, thank you for reading my long, overdue blog post. This has been quite theraputic for me, if I’m honest, and I’m glad that it’s off my chest now, so I hope that I don’t fuck it up. Until the next blog post, bye for now!

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